Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Scottish horror stories

 Some recent articles found in the Daily Tellalie

Chew Would Not Believe It!
Cannibalism is set to become a part of everyday Scottish life if the country votes to separate from the rest of the United Kingdom, writes our Scotland Correspondent Alan Cockrant.
    A shocking new report has claimed that with incomes likely to plummet and fresh food becoming scarce, Scots may have to resort to eating one another to survive!
    The experts warn that a return to the days of Sawney Bean could become a reality if Scotland votes for the SNP's flagship policy of independence. Bean, a macabre figure who headed a notorious clan of Galloway cannibals, was thought to be responsible for the murder and consumption of more than 1000 innocent Scots in the 15th and 16th century.
    Thankfully, the grisly practice died out when Scotland joined England in the 1707 Act of Union which created Great Britain.
    The report, which has not been made public by Alex Salmond's government, warns of catastrophic food shortages, crop failures, the total collapse of international trade and communications, leading to mass starvation in places like Scotland.
    And with the obliteration of the food chain, it is likely that Scots will be forced to resort to cannibalism. Asked to respond to the report's finding, a Scottish Government spokesman declined to comment.
    And no wonder: the SNP don't want you to know that "inviting Granny round for tea" might take on a sinister new meaning in an independent Scotland!

Scots Are Stupid!
Don’t take our word for it, take theirs!
    A new survey of attitudes has discovered that a percentage of people in the south of England think the Scots would be daft to vote for independence.
    Almost 100 people were quizzed about their attitudes to Scotland separating from the rest of the UK and being cast adrift from Britain. Nearly EIGHT per cent agreed with the statement that: "Scots would be stupid to vote for the SNP's flagship policy of independence.”
    Scotland has always prided herself on her excellent education system which has allowed Scots to lead the world in science, commerce and art. Now it seams all that is under threat as Scots face being termed "thick" for choosing to back independence.
    A Scottish Government spokesman declined to comment on the survey and deny that Scots would be labelled as "stupid".
    It seems that Alex Salmond's administration would rather it is not just his party which is regarded as idiotic, but the rest of Scotland too!

                                                      The SNP thinks Britain is rubbish!
Scotland’s 100% Rejection of Independence!
It's true! The entire population of Scotland is turning its back on the SNP's flagship policy of separating Scotland from the Union.
    It is the people of Scotland, Wyoming, who are the latest to have dealt a body blow to Alex Salmond's madcap plans. When asked, members of the 44-strong settlement which lies in the shadow of Cloud Peak, rejected the idea of separation for Scotland. This might be small town America but they have a BIG message for the SNP: we reject you!
    Hiram McCluckey, owner of Birds and Bullets Game Store told us: "You just have to look at the place. There's no way it could be independent. Scotland relies on the help and handouts it gets from the government. Scotland would be finished without them." Another concerned resident, the Reverend Hamish N'cube, revealed that concerned parishioners had bombarded him with questions about Scotland's future. Visibly shaking, the minister denounced any plans for independence for Scotland as "the work of Satan" and likely to deliver his people into "an infernal, eternal Hell".
    Other members of the community refused to comment on the plans for independence for Scotland, as did a Scottish Government spokeswoman, who said she was unaware of the survey.
    So it seems that far from having their heads in the clouds, the people of Scotland are talking sense!

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